I have found different ways of protecting or shielding myself at certain periods of my life. As a chubby faced, dimpled little girl in a constant state of fear and turmoil, there was no physical place to run to for safety. My mind was my escape. In a way that I will never understand, my ‘spirit’ body would break free from this mistreated physical body and soar to a place to forget.

In just a few short years my mother would kidnap my sister and I to take us to Idaho to live with her and my grandmother. It was during this stage of my life that my ‘port in a storm’ became the bathroom. I had a daily ritual of climbing up on the small white stool to stand on the sink to open the medicine cabinet to find the razors on the top shelf. I would slice down my thumb just deep enough to feel the stretching of my skin and the oozing of my warm, bright red blood down my arm. Then run to an adult to get my prize, a band-aid.

In first grade we would find ourselves boarding at an all-girl Catholic school with a completely different set of problems. There I learned a new word, ‘retreat.’ We had to take a lunch for our silent climb up the grassy green hill behind the school that led us to a small, dear, chapel at the top. Everything was quiet. Nobody talked. We took walks to see the beauty of God’s world, looked at the small creatures, frogs, birds, and lizards, and we enjoyed the sweet church, my new sanctuary. The other girls complained of the walking and lack of conversation. But for me, this was a perfect place.

Now at this stage of my life, my hideaway, my amazing oasis from chaos is my room that I had built shortly after my husband died. He had such an imagination with some brilliant ideas for what he wanted to do to the house. He went to China whenever he could and brought back paintings, tapestry, scrolls, hats and knives that would eventually be in our room. I did it the way that I thought would please him. It is now a wonderful bedroom suite, just as he had planned. This is where I write, I remember who I was then and who I am now, and I learn to separate my past from the present and the future. This is my perfect place now, my oasis.


  32 comments for “LOOKING FOR PEACE

  1. January 8, 2015 at 5:58 am

    Wow, you caught me. Your introspection is remarkable. I am now going to look at your oasis.


  2. January 8, 2015 at 6:11 am

    I’m so sorry you’ve lost so much Patty. ❀
    Diana xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 8, 2015 at 7:38 am

      Thank you Diana. I am glad that I have allowed myself the time to grieve not only my husband and son, but for my childhood. I must say that most of the healing came through my faith, and a lot of therapy. I finally found my smile. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

  3. January 19, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    I remember years ago people asking me how I managed to keep going with all there was on my plate. How do you answer that when you were still struggling to get through each day? Back then I didn’t think about how I managed only that I must.

    As for childhood, that was filled with dark and dirty secrets. There was no one to share it with. I survived that and did not do to others what was done to me because I didn’t want anyone else to anyone. Eventually, I studied psychology, got my degrees and went to work within the system. Unfortunately, the way it is set up, it doesn’t work. I am grateful that at a time when I couldn’t help myself, I was able to focus on helping others.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 19, 2015 at 11:34 pm

      Sometimes as children our hearts become so filled with the horrors and secrets that we think we will die. But somehow we survive to take it out of the darkness and into the light to help others.

      Liked by 1 person

      • January 20, 2015 at 7:13 am

        I survived as I had to. I was my father’s protector. At the time, I hadn’t realised that he should have protected me.


      • January 22, 2015 at 6:50 am

        I went on to get my degrees in Psychology and worked in a private therapy center and also in Child Protection. Talk about going back into the trenches…

        Liked by 1 person

      • January 22, 2015 at 7:39 am

        I thank you for reading my post. You have a distinct knowledge to understand much of what I write about.

        Liked by 1 person

      • January 22, 2015 at 8:51 am

        Thank you for sharing as you do. It is so vital to have such voices out there for those still suffering and trying to find their way. Best wishes to you. LΓ©a

        Liked by 1 person

      • January 22, 2015 at 9:06 am

        I will continue writing about my life. I hope that some are helped as they read.

        Liked by 1 person

      • January 22, 2015 at 9:10 am

        I have no doubt that you will reach others.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. January 20, 2015 at 11:53 pm

    You have overcome so much. I’m sorry for the times you needed mental escape, but I DO understand. Prayers for continuing healing. I can tell you’ve shown tremendous growth. Gentle hugs & Injoy:)

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 20, 2015 at 11:57 pm

      You have no idea what your words mean to me. Thank you so much for reading and seeing the growth that I have made. ❀️

      Liked by 1 person

      • January 23, 2015 at 6:59 am

        You’re welcome. πŸ™‚ ❀


  5. January 22, 2015 at 10:05 am

    Great post, very honest and well written xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. January 28, 2015 at 4:18 am

    Reblogged this on A Call to Witness and commented:
    Memories meeting challenges on the road to Victory.

    Liked by 1 person

    • January 28, 2015 at 4:33 am

      Thank you so much for the reblog. I hope it can help some one. ❀️


  7. February 10, 2015 at 6:34 am

    Keep going on with your life/ Some if not many think you are awesome!

    Liked by 2 people

    • February 10, 2015 at 6:52 am

      Thank you. I hope you’re right.

      Liked by 1 person

      • March 1, 2015 at 4:24 pm

        Hey Patty,
        I admire your courage to be so transparent with your life. I agree with Foghorn The IKonoclast because you are AWESOME! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

      • March 1, 2015 at 4:48 pm

        Thank you so much. Thanks for coming by to read.

        Liked by 1 person

      • March 1, 2015 at 5:21 pm

        You’re more than welcome! πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  8. February 11, 2015 at 9:16 am

    I love your retreat. I’ll have to post a pic of mine. You are a brave and inspiring lady. Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. March 17, 2015 at 11:58 pm

    Wow! You did well… And what a life…

    Liked by 1 person

  10. April 17, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    I admire your strength and courage. You have gone through so much, yet it seems, you are coming through the other side shining brightly out of the dark. I’m so glad you shared this link to this blog. Following you here as well. πŸ™‚ Paula

    Liked by 1 person

  11. July 15, 2015 at 5:02 am

    Hey I am so grateful I found your webpage, I really found you by mistake, while I was
    searching on Google for something else, Anyways I am here now and would just like
    to say thank you for a remarkable post and a all round thrilling blog (I also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to browse it all at the moment but I have book-marked it and also added your RSS feeds,
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    Liked by 1 person

    • July 19, 2015 at 3:07 pm

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I am glad that you found something interesting to read here.


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