In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “I Have Confidence in Me.”

The one thing in my life that I have always had confidence in is my medical knowledge and responding quickly in emergencies.  I was an excellent nurse, both a LVN and RN. The Critical Care Unit was my specialty.  The excitement drew me there.  There are two types of patients that most nurses do not want to care for:  Alcohol/drug abusers and suicide attempts.  The things that would be said to them and done to them in the name of ‘nursing care’ was appalling.  My experience with my sister and her mental problems and suicide attempts allowed the empathy necessary to care for these patients with tenderness and understanding.  And alcoholism/drug abuse runs in my family so I felt at home with them.

After my thirty year nursing career, I went to USC and became a Physician Assistant.  When I graduated and started working at the University of California, Irvine with a well-known Hepatologist, my confidence grew.  That is what I knew I should be doing.  I was given the responsibility of caring for all the patients with Hepatitis C and were on treatment.  That was a life-changing experience.

On January 26, 2005, at six o’clock a.m., my entire life shattered into a million shards of mirrored glass.  It was as if I walked through those sharp fragments, sat down and rolled around in them with the only pain concentrated in my heart.  My husband of thirty years was killed in a Metrolink derailment on his way to work.  It was months before I would try to drive again and years before I could hold a meaningful conversation.  My mind told me that I could not move a step without him.  So, for ten years it was a constant search for why I was here on this earth without him and what is my purpose?  Confidence?  It was all but dead.

Do you believe in miracles?  I do.  Two years ago I started a pursuit to what was out there for me.  First it was photography.  That didn’t come easy and soon came to an end.  A few months later it was painting.  No, that wasn’t it either.  One day, after talking about it since my son died of complications from his chronic illnesses, I picked up my favorite lavender pen and began writing a book for him.  It wasn’t a continuous writing.  Rather, it was sporadic.  Last January as I was leaving my psychiatrist appointment, he stopped me to say that I should start a blog.  My first reaction was to tell him I would try.  Then once out of the office my mind said, ‘No way.’  After all I didn’t know a thing about blogging.

In October I started my first blog:  Since then my confidence has grown daily.  It is not just about writing about Alex’ life, but to help many children and their families.  I have had so much support here and from many charity organizations that I know that I am in the right place, doing the right thing.  I thank God for this miracle of blogging that allows me to write and use my medical knowledge to help change things about our broken medical system.  Yes, I do have confidence in me.

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